Achievement Unlocked!
I had a little fun with an online achievement generator (and stole some from a Something Awful thread). If you work in IT for any period of time, I’m sure you can relate.
P.S. If you like these, you may get a laugh out of “You know you’re a computer security guy when …” and “10 Things Your IT Guy Wants You to Know” also. “The Sysadmin’s alphabet” is okay, but not quite as funny.
Completed
In Progress
Someday?
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This is just beyond awesome!
You forgot to add PEBUAK (problem exists between user and keyboard) and RTFM problem fixing.
That’s “PEBKAC” short for “Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.” There is nothing between the user and the keyboard.
“The problem is sitting in front of the computer”
I prefer PICNIC — “Problem In Chair, Not In Computer”.
We call these “Layer 8″ issues. The interface between the keyboard and the user.
Networking guys call that a layer 8 problem
Meatware error
This is absolutely genius. I think a website devoted to keeping track of these types of achievements should be in order.
Memories.
OK, Enough administrators read this, Who is hosting, and who is developing? This is an IT Necessity.
This is simply awesome.
We need something like this here at work :)
I could totally relate to most of these.
@Gentleman: What exactly exists between the user and keyboard? Air? The edge of the desk/keyboard tray perhaps? Yeesh. “PEBCAK”. Acronyms are useless if you can’t even get the short version right.
Perhaps “Fuck you RIM” should be changed to “RIM job” since that’s about as fun as those things get.
First of all it is PEBKAC (problem exists between keyboard and chair) as this makes it the USER who has the issue.
Also you forgot the user who calls the previous tech an idiot (and it was you) then goes on to heap compliments on you for fixing the issue (possibly using the same steps he was resistant to the first time.)
Jedi
Correctly use “the force” to diagnose the PC.
More improve for the related IT trouble shooting , becuase a lot of visiters visitng your site because learn
And on that note a few more for the pile:
I speak tounges
Fixed a problem when customer’s request was jibberish.
Outsourced
Lost a position because your job was moved over seas.
Taking back what’s mine
Made someone over seas lose their position by helping to get the outsourcing shut down.
This might be the funniest goddamn thing I ever read.
Loud but Harmless! Gold Jeremy, Gold!
Kudos!
I’ve been playing this damn game for 15 years, and I still haven’t beaten it!
– Ben
I think PICNIC works better; Problem In Chair Not In Computer.
“Hold please”
Put a user on hold so you can yell at them.
“Just this once”
Have a user request something that is strictly against company policy.
“Bite your tongue”
Successfully resist honestly answering “You must think I’m an idiot”.
“It was fine before”
Be blamed for something because you fixed their computer six months ago.
What, no achievement for using Percussive Maintenance? Great list, just the same.
“My cup holder’s broken”
Get a call so preposterous you’re sure you’re being pranked by a co-worker. You’re not.
“Can I speak to…”
Solve a user’s problem once. Become their personal technician forever.
useful reading! add to favorites..
PS love,sex,secret&god )))
ID10T
Tell a user s/he has a “ID ten-T” error and actually get them to write it out.
Nah, not worth telling them to write it out.
Either 1 of 2 things will happen.
A) They won’t get it.
B) They’ll get offended and you’re lose the account or your job.
Though calling then an ID10T may technically be accurate, it’s not good for your long term job prospects.
wow, it’s scary how true some of these are, sadly it’s the porn ones lol
Them :~ “Can you take a look at my computer? I had an error message pop up”
Me :~ “What does it say?”
Them :~ “I don’t know, I clicked OK”
Me :~ “FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU”
Well if you’re OK with it, why are you calling me?
I am using this.
Pray to the deaf:
me: Hi this is John how can I help you?
them: Hi George my problem is….
me: Hi this is John how can I help you?
them: Hi Ron my problem is….
me: Hi this is John how can I help you?
them: Hi Peter!? my problem is….
This is awesome dude!
Email me, if you dont get this message
sorry couldn’t resist, had to share this one..
Its true.. it honestly happened to me!!!!
Tec:- “ok… turn on the PC, and hit the [DEL] key for me please”
Moron:- “Ermmm!! it’s a Hewlett Packard PC”
Tec:- “!” speechless
This has reassured me. I’m not the only one… I’m not the only one… End Point Users make my year worth triple figures.
ERROR 18″ The error is sitting 18 inches from the screen !!
the orange or the blue one:
“what do you mean by ‘internet browser?’”
Hi guys Adam here, as an operations manager for a very busy company i thought I would chip in on a Sunday, the list above is wonderfully funny unless you are paying for the IT Twat who is writing it on your time….how about adding these few….
Proactively teaching staff to do their own basic trouble shooting like reboot, and check the plug is in…. save 50% of calls
Advise staff in advance when you are doing the upgrades and there will likely be compatibiliy issues since you couldnt be bothered schedulling it for a weekend, you are on 3 times the salary of normal managers
Allow staff to retrieve their own passwords when they forget them like any normal system
Dont rush through a fix with 20 mouse clicks instead spend 5 minutes discussing what might have gone wrong to prevent a reoccurance
Dont lock down all the updates on the terminal most users can do auto updates for themselves…even on weekends on the laptop trust me I have just accepted an update from firefox ….see no flames !!
Dont think you are in charge of deciding where we purchase IPADs or not you are a nerd from technical support with limited authority to approve anything.
Spend less time compiling useless lists of your petty gripes about the amount of simple things you are getting paid for and more time doing them
OH and get some people skills PITFAT – Problem is the Fat Awkward Tech
Roll on cloud computing whoo hoooo 50% less tec support people.
@Adam you are gay :)
Adam Rouls?
Your employees think you’re a dick.
They’re right.
(Oh, and who spells “tech” as “tec”?)
I do tech support for cloud services, and most of the problems are people like you.
Please update your LinkedIn profile so we can avoid you in the future.
“Proactively teaching staff to do their own basic trouble shooting like reboot, and check the plug is in…. save 50% of calls”This is the funniest thing I have ever read. You have no idea what you are writing about. You could tell 100% of the people 100% of the time, “Remember, if at first you don’t succeed, reboot”. It will not do one bit of good. I know, from experience. Especially from those running the company, as they don’t care, it’s much easier to call me than it is to think.
Adam, you do not seem very well informed of what I.T does… I am currently tasked with rolling out new thin clients for a fortune 500 company to their users. I am writing this on my lunch. (read only break) I constantly go over basic ts and what to expect and they are still too stupid to remember. I even give htem packets with all the same info with screen shots. For almost 2 hours I tell them what routers are, how to plug a modem in and how to reboot the client. They almost always call in the same night with issues that could be resolved by these steps. Simply put, users are to stupid to know what they can and cannot do. Mostly caused by the fact they spend almost none of their education growing up (until recently) on computers, networking, programing, or hardware.
My long about point here is reiterated once again. You sound exactly like these users. As such any company paying you to /b/ TRULY /b/ be an operations manager eve near an I.T department is going to be in VERY VERY bad shape. I bet I could give you the same packet and still have to tell you why you cannot go to youporn AND take calls in your ip agent. O.o People like you worry me. You deeply worry me. Please get fired.
- Signed your U.S Marine, six pack wearing, 20 something I.T guy, that you are deathly afraid your wife will sleep with.
p.s
If she doesnt like Marines The other guys in my dept are ex. Army, ex. Navy, and one is a college Football player. “fat awkward tech”? Who the fucks fat? you?
I’m not in IT myself but my bro was and is now a programmer…. and I’ve learned most of what I know from him. I work at a very “busy” company too, one of the largest in the world (not Microsoft). But you’re a turd. Most people can’t seem to be taught the basics, even when it’s a job/employment requirement. I work in a support side of my business and people repeatedly make the same stupid mistakes no matter how much you tell them the correct way to do things. It’s upper management, C Level, that decides when to do upgrades, IT can only make decisions, so I guess since you’re in “Management” it’s really your fault.
Don’t mess with IT, if you rely on a computer, like I do, to do most of your job leave them alone or you’ll be in a world of hurt. Chances are, they are more intelligent than you. So like so many others I say:
Shut Your Face.
Unlocked: (willing to admit amateur) Computer Guy …. mostly at work….
Here Let me show you how to work Internet Explorer… After I show you how to use the mouse….
Adam, you really have no clue what you’re talking about. I have reasonably competent co-workers who still get tripped up by the dumbest problems. Techs behave as they do because of users, not in spite of them. As soon as they stop being stupid, we’ll treat them as though they’re not children breaking our toys.
Spoken like a true ignorant alpha male jerkoff.
@Adam: Do you actually have a staff that LISTENS when the IT person is telling you precicely how to diagnose and prevent these issues!? If so, I want to come work where you do, because everyone I’ve ever encountered just stands there and drools while I tell them for the 17th time not to install fifty browser toolbars. Kinda hard to “take 5 minutes” when every PC in the office is on the blink because the boss thought it would be OK to bring in his highly-infected porn collection from home.
Step aside, let me fix the shit, and STFU.
O.o
I believe I’ve seen a lot of these- either thru students at the I.T.T. I go to or just thru my time working in the Marines as an IT assistant once I quit my flying days. I’ve fixed laptops that have been punched, dropped, kicked, vomited upon, dropped in an ocean ( that one was a guys personal and it went back to HP on his dime). I’ve had excuses for plastic in fax machines, and paperclips in copiers. I’ve gotten weird calls from buddies asking for help and co-workers that drooled when I would try to walk them thru something simple- downloading and installing Adobe so they can read the incoming Orders messages.
@Adam- You sir, may be what you say, however I call you a helmet kid. You want us to do things like updates and stuff on weekends- fine- give them a day during the week off to compensate for it. Oh, that isn’t possible? You don’t like paying Time and a half? guess what. No deal. Screw your attitude. I’ve got class mates that can do Calc 2 equations in their head, give them a computer to fix and they look at me like a baby seal that sees a hunter with a club and KNOWS whats about to happen. Some people get the computer- some don’t. Don’t screw with the IT- your email will never work right again or YOUR boss will end up locating your illegally downloaded music/porn stash on your work computer. OH- and I’m a student, I’m at home- and your tax dollars are paying for this time. =)
This is pure genius! It is funny because t is so true! Thanks for sharing cause I just had to steal it. I am making a poster for the wall so I can update regularly. HAHA
Hey guys, I’ve got most of the badges above and below, and humbly offer these pitiful few others for your enjoyment.
“IT Twat”
Know all there is to know about computers. Possess no people skills whatsoever. Be all you can be, a “Snide, contrary and vague, holier than thou, it’s not so simple (yes sometimes it is) Army of One!” Also, you must waste as much company time doing things other than company business as is inhumanely possible. You probably smell bad.
“Pwnt”
Own an “IT Twat” or “That Jerk” moaning about an “IT Twat” or “That Jerk” in a satirical IT Support Achievements thread.
“The Rock”
Work in IT Support without being an “IT Twat”. “So actually, I know a few of these, and might even claim to be one. Also, I saw bigfoot when I was 8. What? It’s true!”
“Solid Foundation”
Work your way up from “The Rock” to “Operations Manager” position in a company. Know both sides. Have people skills too.
“Bottom’s Up!”
Work your way up past “Operations Manager”
“That Jerk”
Be promoted to an “Operations Manager” position as an “IT Twat” or potentially worse, without ever having worked a day in a “Menial support position”.
“YOU GO! NOW!”
Fire an “IT Twat” or “That Jerk” with just cause. “There comes a point in time when after you are fired… you leave. Go. Now is that time for you. Please don’t come back. Yes. Really.”
“Wow. Really?”
Keep an “IT Twat” or “That Jerk” on staff for any reason whatsoever. “Machiavelli was right.”
“Magistrate”
Discover living things making a home in a computer you are about to service. Serve the eviction notice yourself, 25 times.
“Secretary”
Be asked to make coffee for anyone in the building, more than once. You don’t have to know how to make coffee.
“Barrista”
Proudly make the best damned hand brewed coffee in the building. Sometimes you take bribes or money.
“Snob”
Refuse to drink coffee made by anyone else in the building but yourself. “You call that coffee?”
“What? Huh?”
Screw up a ticket before your first cup of joe in the morning.
“Jump the Gun”
Answer 50 phone calls “Just checking on the status of a ticket” days before it was actually scheduled to be looked at.
“Brain Dump”
Be an “IT Twat” promoted to “That Jerk”. Know and resent it. Still lack people skills.
“Dedicated”
Surf work related material, yes, even humorous, from home, and respond.
“Wait, I’m paying you to do this?”
Find an “IT Twat” or “That Jerk” spending lots of time doing non-work related stuff on the clock. Confront them about it.
“Get off my back!”
Work lots more than you’re scheduled to and get called out for being a few minutes early and/or late, and/or doing non-work related stuff. Blow up about it. Keep your job.
“Go Easy Man!”
Help calm down a fellow employee or co-worker after a particularly horrifying service experience fifty times.
“Snark Check”
Respond to a completely unbelievable ticket, but have a supervisor and/or coworker and/or employee proof-read your response before you send it at least ten times. “Hey. I’m afraid I can’t be sure I’m not being an ass here, can you double-check this for me?”
“Machiavelli never had to deal with THIS”
Remember 100 times. “It is most emphatically NOT a question of “us” against “them,” but rather “us” having a family argument. Admittedly, as any uniformed police officer can tell you, a family argument is one of the worst situations to be in, as it tends to get bitter very quickly, BUT: as long as we remember that we ARE a family, of sorts, then perhaps we can get past the bitterness and into the REALITY of the definition of “politics,” which is “the art of the possible.” There is always room for the other guy’s opinions, and those opinions DO have value. Perhaps when we listen to each other, rather than yelling at each other, we can arrive at a synthesis of values and objectives, and thus advance to the goal of “the greatest good for the greatest number.”" ~ “Ioseph of Locksley”
Adam – as a busy IT Manager at a technology company, why don’t you fuck off.
Telling a customer that this is a definite ID10T problem. And getting away with it.
Busy IT manager haha dont make me laugh, busy becuase you upgraded half the office and now theres a million compatibility issues, busy because you sit too close to the vending machine, busy because the Manager….. me asked you to concentrate on an IT Strategy for the next 3 years and you said shit thats along time to concentrate, when you were asked to submit a budget for 2011/12 you thought that meant you and the techs needed to test the new Ipads. I hate to repeat myself but I obviously need to PITFAT.
Oh and Electroniccom Student when you need to do an upgrade you do it after hours so that the whole business i.e. the thing that pays your wages doesnt fall over, hense the need to do shit on weekends. An upgrade on weekends 2 x IT techs wages ? Cost $2k upgrade in the middle of a weekday 1000 sales employees with no sales cost 200K ….amm you do the math. I guess thats why you are the student. Neither of you will be working for me first one wouldnt meet the language skills and the second short on the brains department.
If I ever worked for you I personally guarantee that you would be in jail within the first six months… your lack of intelligence and inability to realize that you are not the center of your company (not even if you were the CEO) assures me that you would never see me working to find your skeletons. Judging by your replies on this I’m sure you have stuff on your computer or in a linked account that would land you in prison; yep, even now your thinking “bullshit! no way this guy knows” but let me assure you Mr Shitbag, your IT department knows more about you than your wife and if they dont, they havent been paying attention. Every computer that comes through a my shop is immediately scanned for virus’s and at the same time I also scan for ill use and any violations of 1030. Fraud and related activity in connection with computers. Its not too often that the IT department can claim they dont know whats going on within their network!
Adam – You are short in the brains department. Your grammar and spelling are absolutely pitiful. Go find a hole to crawl in and fuck off, guy.
LOL @ Swisher typical “FAT” control freak who wants to correct grammar and spelling…its a web site mate no need to correct the work….pretty sure you got the message….bet you spend all night correcting tweets…..your directions to find a hole again confirm your control freak status and your use of foul language also confirms you inability to grasp the concept of feedback…if you are that upset at my coments my only further comment would be “methinks thou doth protest too much” lol obviously I hit a raw nerve….really have to add I saw a few comments about the boss having a load of porn on his computer……while i have not come across this myself I would like to point out a a couple of interesting concepts that seem to escape most IT staff…..the content of whats on the bosses computer is actually none of your business…..confidentiality is about understanding that there might be information that you see whilst doing your job but again its really none of you business and lastly porn hummm at least here in Australia it is legal i beleive for people over the age of 18 to have and view pornand for the boss of any company then that would be his decision to have his porn where ever he wants his porn and yet again “none of your business” are your getting a theme here?. :)
Actually in the US it is my business, as that laptop is compnay property and not personel property. No one in a business envrionment should have porn on thier work computer for ANY reason, not even the boss. This opens up the company to many adverse things, such as viruses and malware, not to mention lawsuits.
Any way not to belabor the issue, you my friend are wrong…
IT just like any other business f
Actually in the US it is my business, as that
laptop is company property and not personal property. No one in a business environment
should have porn on their work computer for ANY reason, not even the boss. This
opens up the company to many adverse things, such as viruses and malware, not
to mention lawsuits.
Any ways not to belabor the issue, you my
friend are wrong…
IT just like any other business functions has
its role, you are NOT more important than IT…Nor are we any more important
than you (just more technically capable)…
unctions has its role, you are NOT more important than IT…Nor are we any more important than you (just more technically capable)…
Roundabout Forever – Manager asking you to notify all by email that email-server is DOWN.
This list absolutely rocks. Thanks
Wow… I feel ashamed. My name is Adam and I have to read what my alter ego is writing, totally horrendous. You obviously came here to make a huge troll out of yourself. If you want to tell me that you never looked at a senior employee’s (or even your superior) PC and see he’s got porn on it, and giggled your arse off and tell him to avoid porn sites as they mostly contain virusses/trojans/spyware, which in fact is a security risk… And mentioning that it is legal to own porn, is the dumbest thing you could say. One word for that: “DUH”, otherwise your company would be sued for employing underaged people.
So mr ITnator… you want to tell me you never joked about anything, when it comes to your work? You must be one dry turd at work… and remember, even if you polish a turd, its still a turd… I bet you got not buddies at work (I am not even mentioning friends), due to your permanent “professional attitude”… are you like this when you get back home? Damn.
Anyway, people came to read this and laugh… not listen to your shoddy views on IT “underlings”, as you (by the looks of it) never suffered like the rest of us IT twats. Landed in the Server side, as a system engineer probably, and only did implementations and no support work. Only to land a managerial job. You can’t even write in english, and stating that you are from Australia? Stop chomping snags off the barbie and shut your trap. Or some Aus will stuff you in a eski…
LMAO, come to think of it… it must be entertaining to read your change control announcements… must be hilarious… as nobody understands a damn word, you just wrote. So shut your trap and read… as you are a real jerk.
ACHIEVEMENT: EAT UP!
Fed the troll at least 10 times
You obviously did not take the time to even read what i wrote which is quite typical for IT underlings as you put it, I do not work in IT, I am the boss and i take my work professionally which is obviously something you are not familiar with much like the concept of confidentiality. And again with ordering people around I bet you wish you had the delegation lol, it is not your place to tell anyone what sites to avoid. And yet again with the name calling only more confirmation that what I was saying is quite appropriate. Australia is a wonderful place dont beleive everything you read on the internet.
Ohhhhhh big scary internet Im an IT worker I am in charge of that? mwahhhahahah
… I am sorry but this post just reminded me of a video that seems SO much like you…minus your dry lack of humor. I hope you enjoy and realize just how big of an ass you really are someday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NisCkxU544c
I’m an ex-IT worked, promoted to IT manager. You’re an offensive dingleberry. If the guys you employ are fat and awkward, that’s a failing on your part as the manager of the department (unless you have NO SAY in the hiring process which makes you a useless dingleberry).
If you have a problem with IT guys listening to you, then the problem lies at least partially with you. Not totally, as they are adults who make the decision whether or not to listen. You don’t sound like any IT manager I know. You sound more like a user who doesn’t like the policies that IT departments put in place. I bet you’re an ‘executive assistant’ (read as a C-level’s bitch) who wants to control an IT department. I bet you can’t even change your desktop background.
This is so accurate it’s freaky. I’ve unlocked at least 95% of these in the last ten years.
@Adam I love how you point out that you’re the boss, considering that you are — without exception — the dumbest poster on this page. Additionally, you clearly have some kind of erectile-dysfunction type problem, and these two characteristics are completely consistent with my own experience of Teh Big Important-Ass Boss Man. I was going to comment on Red1′s stroke of genius until I read your own posts and couldn’t stop laughing at how proud you are to make it clear to everyone reading your mongoloid shit that you not only have the IQ of a plastic plant but also a tiny penis which you strangle at every opportunity. I pity the hookers you have to pay so you can get laid at all.
You weren’t in IT? That explains a lot. You are ignorant and a jackass. I read everything you wrote, you sound like a dry jerk-off. You would lose a lot of clients with your attitude in certain countries. And as a fact… you are a operations manager… not a boss (I class a boss, in the range of CEO/Chairman), and their attitudes are way better than yours lol. You boss people around, but you are not THE boss, Jackass. I will call you names, as we are IT twats. Or am I misquoting you? You are a real jerk. You work for a busy company? I worked for a big and busy corporate company, and all the managers (General, Operations, Service Delivery, Escalation, etc) and bosses (CEO/Chairman) really are more professional that you are. And are extremely nice people, you are a different breed of… I don’t know… jerk.
I am very familiar with confidentiality… but a virus scan couldn’t care less about it, dipshit. If spybot finds thousands of cookies pointing out to porn sites (if the words porn, sex, fuck, etc are in it). Jeez, your an ops manager, you should know these things. And PLEASE explain to me, who’s place is it to tell the end-user what sites to avoid? Is it God’s responsibility? Don’t worry, I don’t believe what is written on the internet… as I am an IT twat… I know what to look out for. BTW… you are working for a busy company… get back to work, jackass. Where do you have time to post messages on a site, which is related to IT… and you aren’t even in IT… hmmm… you are giving yourself away now.
BTW, is your last sentence a statement? or a question? or both (a rhetorical question, in case you ask a retarded question, about it)? Because that made no sense whatsoever… Learn english grammar and come back to me. Its quite fun talking to someone, who’s native language is supposed to be english and english isn’t my native language.
The list is forgetting Fanboy- the user that while you are fixing their system lectures you how if the company would switch to the other operating system there wouldn’t be a problem in the first place.
Somehow you managed to compress my entire professional life in one web page! Awesome!
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